Its a feeling, a horrible one, its something that i feel in the back of my heart.
or is it nothing because Im to emotionally drained to realize that Im digging my nails into my hands.
I don't want anything
I don't need anyone
leave me alone , Im to tired to write.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
The lessons we learn
This has been a year of extraordinary growth and learning for me. I have learnt that as much as you try to talk sometimes people just don't want to listen to what it is your saying, whether whispering it in a yawn or letting it go like a floating breeze, people don't care.
I have learnt that I expect to much from everything including myself... and its always wrong because in my mind its perfect... therefor I will always disappoint myself and always be disappointed. sometimes it is better to simply let it role of your back like a dew drop of a leaf. its not worth all the energy it will take to sort it out or fuss about it.
don't expect anything and you ll never be disappointed.
I have learnt that no matter what happens I will always miss those I have lost, it will always rip my heart like a razor blade, the only difference is sometimes I have a plaster in my bag and some times it bleeds for a while.
I have learnt that not everyone is going to want to be my friend, be a good friend to me or treat me right but that I have to be the person at the end of the tears thinking what is it that you will bring me tomorrow. I want to surround my self with like minded people with values and morals that fit mine. people that will forgive the mistakes I make, help me up when I fall and laugh with me when the times are good.
I learnt that you really cant trust everyone when they say they have your best interests at heart, when they say things to you in private all the while behind your back you are simply the puppet on a string and they are choking you with.
I learnt that not only must i hold some secrets tighter to my chest that the stitching around my lips needs to tighten too.
I learnt that somethings are so beautiful and true that there must be something bigger and better out there in order for this pure joy to be able to be in my soul.
I have learnt that I expect to much from everything including myself... and its always wrong because in my mind its perfect... therefor I will always disappoint myself and always be disappointed. sometimes it is better to simply let it role of your back like a dew drop of a leaf. its not worth all the energy it will take to sort it out or fuss about it.
don't expect anything and you ll never be disappointed.
I have learnt that no matter what happens I will always miss those I have lost, it will always rip my heart like a razor blade, the only difference is sometimes I have a plaster in my bag and some times it bleeds for a while.
I have learnt that not everyone is going to want to be my friend, be a good friend to me or treat me right but that I have to be the person at the end of the tears thinking what is it that you will bring me tomorrow. I want to surround my self with like minded people with values and morals that fit mine. people that will forgive the mistakes I make, help me up when I fall and laugh with me when the times are good.
I learnt that you really cant trust everyone when they say they have your best interests at heart, when they say things to you in private all the while behind your back you are simply the puppet on a string and they are choking you with.
I learnt that not only must i hold some secrets tighter to my chest that the stitching around my lips needs to tighten too.
I learnt that somethings are so beautiful and true that there must be something bigger and better out there in order for this pure joy to be able to be in my soul.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Is a blind date really that blind ?
One expects a blind date to go only one way..out the door. I decided this year was about trying new things, out with the old kind of thing... but what lengths am i prepared to go to.
Its poring with rain, I've been sweating at fighting for the past hour and a half and really don't feel like anything other than the emergency room. Can i really cancel now, is it to late... is half an hour before really to late. AAAAaaa just go already, you never know.
Now the joke is that for the first time in my life i decided to wear white pants, was feeling it when i packed it !! what a joke that turned out to be, it was like a clip from girls gone wild. This poor man is going to think what the hell did i get my self into.
So i drive like a bat out of hell in order not to be late, average about 160, i am not to sure if it was the heavy foot syndrome or nerves that made me speed, but to put it gently "i could feel the wind in my hair"
Arrive, breath,crap, call and cancel,aaaa so nervous, its raining, stupid white pants, I'm such an idiot.
breath
slam door
beep
puddle
F$%^*
smile
When gentle eyes fall upon you the only thing one can do is relax, feel safe and smile.
i was surprised... from the time we sat down we spoke, we didn't stop... it was so sweet to see how hard we were both trying to not try to hard ... we laughed and talked for hours, finally got kicked out by the waitress because we really were the only people in the bar at that time.
honesty
real
sensitive
adorable lisp
great laugh
soft hands
then the walk to the cars...
the rain is like little golf balls, i look like the crow with my make up running down my face, yet he still walked me to my car. OLD SCHOOL WINS!!!
10 points right there
all in all a great blind date.
Its poring with rain, I've been sweating at fighting for the past hour and a half and really don't feel like anything other than the emergency room. Can i really cancel now, is it to late... is half an hour before really to late. AAAAaaa just go already, you never know.
Now the joke is that for the first time in my life i decided to wear white pants, was feeling it when i packed it !! what a joke that turned out to be, it was like a clip from girls gone wild. This poor man is going to think what the hell did i get my self into.
So i drive like a bat out of hell in order not to be late, average about 160, i am not to sure if it was the heavy foot syndrome or nerves that made me speed, but to put it gently "i could feel the wind in my hair"
Arrive, breath,crap, call and cancel,aaaa so nervous, its raining, stupid white pants, I'm such an idiot.
breath
slam door
beep
puddle
F$%^*
smile
When gentle eyes fall upon you the only thing one can do is relax, feel safe and smile.
i was surprised... from the time we sat down we spoke, we didn't stop... it was so sweet to see how hard we were both trying to not try to hard ... we laughed and talked for hours, finally got kicked out by the waitress because we really were the only people in the bar at that time.
honesty
real
sensitive
adorable lisp
great laugh
soft hands
then the walk to the cars...
the rain is like little golf balls, i look like the crow with my make up running down my face, yet he still walked me to my car. OLD SCHOOL WINS!!!
10 points right there
all in all a great blind date.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A movie date...
10 things to do when going to a movie for the first time with a girl
1. and the most important on the 1st date, ALWAYS PAY.
2.compliment the girl...lord alone knows what her bedroom floor looks like after changing 1000 times to settle on jeans and a t-shirt.
3. make eye contact...unless you wish there was a bar around that you could have a shot at and run
4. when a woman gives you 3 choices... PICK ONE!
5.walk her to her car, even if it is on the other side of the Zim boarder compared to your car just in front of you.
6. the hug..is it the ass out "don't touch me hug" or are you going to give a meaningful, remember this one kind...
7.if you want to see her again say so, if not don't...
8. wait for the girl when leaving the cinema
9. don't starve the poor girl of affection...sheesh unless she really should be at home, alone
10.sms to say you had a nice,good,great or see you very soon kind of night.
1. and the most important on the 1st date, ALWAYS PAY.
2.compliment the girl...lord alone knows what her bedroom floor looks like after changing 1000 times to settle on jeans and a t-shirt.
3. make eye contact...unless you wish there was a bar around that you could have a shot at and run
4. when a woman gives you 3 choices... PICK ONE!
5.walk her to her car, even if it is on the other side of the Zim boarder compared to your car just in front of you.
6. the hug..is it the ass out "don't touch me hug" or are you going to give a meaningful, remember this one kind...
7.if you want to see her again say so, if not don't...
8. wait for the girl when leaving the cinema
9. don't starve the poor girl of affection...sheesh unless she really should be at home, alone
10.sms to say you had a nice,good,great or see you very soon kind of night.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
How do i get up ?
How do you say good-bye to some one that has been your whole life?
how do you stand by their side as they get lowered into the earth?
there is never anything that can shelter you from that kind of a loss,
no manual telling you the next few steps on how to gently break down. you just do.
You think that loosing a parent you can give advice to someone as the cry to you about the loss of theirs ..i can't.
there are no words from my lips, no help, no hint...just blank.
i get that lump in my throat, shiver in my heart and i feel sick.
it feels like its me all over again. I'm so so sorry.
you want to say "I'm here for you, but those words haunt you like the memories"
you want to say everything is going to be OK, is it ?
we all start dying the minute we are conceived so why is it such a shock when we do...
why are we not programed to deal with death,loss,confusion and emptiness.
they will never hold you, or walk you down the isle at your wedding, they will never be there when your first baby is born...but don't think like that... think about the time, the love and the smiles you had...laugh at the things that irritated you. how you screamed and shouted about what you felt only to retract the statement moments later with a loving hug. They are here for a reason, everyone is. embracing that is your gift to yourself and even though we don't understand life... we do...
the pain is earth shattering and the tears will be plenty, but in the end when you are standing holding their hand you will ask them...so what did you think of what i did with my life while you were gone, and they will smile "you did a great job, I'm proud of you"
how do you stand by their side as they get lowered into the earth?
there is never anything that can shelter you from that kind of a loss,
no manual telling you the next few steps on how to gently break down. you just do.
You think that loosing a parent you can give advice to someone as the cry to you about the loss of theirs ..i can't.
there are no words from my lips, no help, no hint...just blank.
i get that lump in my throat, shiver in my heart and i feel sick.
it feels like its me all over again. I'm so so sorry.
you want to say "I'm here for you, but those words haunt you like the memories"
you want to say everything is going to be OK, is it ?
we all start dying the minute we are conceived so why is it such a shock when we do...
why are we not programed to deal with death,loss,confusion and emptiness.
they will never hold you, or walk you down the isle at your wedding, they will never be there when your first baby is born...but don't think like that... think about the time, the love and the smiles you had...laugh at the things that irritated you. how you screamed and shouted about what you felt only to retract the statement moments later with a loving hug. They are here for a reason, everyone is. embracing that is your gift to yourself and even though we don't understand life... we do...
the pain is earth shattering and the tears will be plenty, but in the end when you are standing holding their hand you will ask them...so what did you think of what i did with my life while you were gone, and they will smile "you did a great job, I'm proud of you"
Sunday, January 11, 2009
O to be a monday
Why is it that every time a Monday rolls in i want to hide my head under the covers and wait for Tuesday?!?
having discussed this with other folks their simple solution is to start work on Tuesday...but then i have the same fear about Tuesday...and so the week carries on until I'm a bum on the side of the street with a fear of waking up to ANY day.
what does Monday mean?
having discussed this with other folks their simple solution is to start work on Tuesday...but then i have the same fear about Tuesday...and so the week carries on until I'm a bum on the side of the street with a fear of waking up to ANY day.
what does Monday mean?
Etymology
The English noun Monday derived sometime before 1200 from monedæi, which itself developed from Old english(around 1000) mōnandæg and mōndæg (literally meaning "day of the moon")
To 2009
Life is but a myth that no one seems to grasp or solve in a life time. We spend hours trying to think of the right way to live our lives,make a decision and enjoy the fruits of our hard earned work. When do we reflect? When do we take the time out to be just ourselves, to think , to even just be.
I sit in a club on new years eve, I am more sober than a priest during lent, couples around me are dancing drunk, rolling their eyes and questioning what are they bonded by.
You see the preening and effort slowly melt as the booze seeps deeper into the blood. Is this it? Did I spend this long to have black feet, burning eyes and a pulsing head ache.
Cheers to the new years resolutions that will be broken tomorrow, the relationships that are ending and the love being spread... Life is wonderful, life is my own to live, love and conquer.....
I want different things this year, my to do list of things has changed and there are the stock standard like health, wealth and happiness...
I'm interested in more... Enlightenment...peace... Beauty
I sit in a club on new years eve, I am more sober than a priest during lent, couples around me are dancing drunk, rolling their eyes and questioning what are they bonded by.
You see the preening and effort slowly melt as the booze seeps deeper into the blood. Is this it? Did I spend this long to have black feet, burning eyes and a pulsing head ache.
Cheers to the new years resolutions that will be broken tomorrow, the relationships that are ending and the love being spread... Life is wonderful, life is my own to live, love and conquer.....
I want different things this year, my to do list of things has changed and there are the stock standard like health, wealth and happiness...
I'm interested in more... Enlightenment...peace... Beauty
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